The Hypnobabies hospital birth of Ithaka G-rated

I’ve been asked why I birthed in the hospital and my answer is complex so I will attempt to explain. I still consider us a homebirth family, adore my midwife, and would have homebirths in the future if I have more babies. I wouldn’t have even considered it anywhere but Mercy Gilbert. I’d sooner give birth in the parking lot of our other local hospitals. After thinking we'd have a medical need for a hospital birth with Teague I was relieved to find a hospital team of midwives and an OB (who thinks like a midwife) that I could trust as much as my home birth midwife, which is really saying something. It was then I realized how much fear, mistrust, and trauma I still carried related to hospital birth. With this pregnancy I couldn't stop imagining a hospital birth and thought I was going crazy. I told myself I was just mentally preparing in case transfer was medically necessary. Joe suggested we tour the hospital we'd transfer to since it might calm a stressful event to at least be familiar, and surely once there we'd both be so anxious and uncomfortable, like when we had to leave the Banner Desert tour early years ago because it was just so bad for both of us, that surely it would put this crazy idea out of our minds. So we toured and left totally confused by how comfortable we both were and how pleased we were with all their answers to every question. So it wasn't off the table. I had attended one of their community Midwives & Doulas Teas a few years ago. Birth workers, including homebirth, meet with the L&D staff and discuss updates, client’s feedback, ideas, ect. A doula said an OB agreed to try a birth stool before vacuum or forceps and it worked and they were grateful he was so open but worried when a nurse teased him. She asked that the staff be educated on the physiology of birth stools so they’d be supportive and not think it was an antiquated thing. They went from enthusiastically discussing staff education, to asking about preferred features of birth stools. Within a few short months they announced t new birth stools for the hospital. Awesome. So I had a hospital and birth team I felt confident in if needed. But still, why go back? I thought money was motivating me too much, our insurance changed so now there’d be no partial reimbursement for a homebirth, but hospital would now be free, and truly money is no object when it comes to the best birth care, but we JUST paid for a birth, my leave from work more than doubled, and suddenly it didn't feel like we were having to choose between good and crappy care, both seemed like we’d be in good hands. We thought it might be nice to let Teague sleep in his own space (ours) for a night and give us a night alone with Ithaka before trying to juggle both together at night, though a hotel was an option. I still was undecided, making pro/con lists, and utterly confused by my confusion. Finally my midwife said it. My friend, her client shared a photo from her 4th birth in her birth pool, reaching for her baby born to his belly, open mouth smiling in a shout of pure joy. Friends commented on how easy she makes birth look, smiling so near crowning but our midwife said there was more to it. She said this powerful mama had birthed all 3 of her previous babies, each time facing shoulder dystocia, and she had needed help getting those shoulders out each time, and things sometimes got scary. This time, this image caught the moment the midwife told her "You're done, shoulders are out!" And she reached for her baby screaming with glee "I did it myself, I did it, I did it, I did it!!!!" That photo captured the moment she slayed her monster. The thing about birth that still caused fear and doubt, she conquered it. After that I couldn't get that phrase out of my head "slay my monster". I slowly realized, in Orion's birth, I slayed my monster of tearing after my tear was stitched open following Sage's birth and left me badly scarred physically and emotionally. In Teague's birth I slayed my monster of birthing the placenta after Orion's double placenta was so hard to birth and I had utterly forgotten I still had that work to do, so unexpected and incredible after pains and real hard work pushing again after just birthing a baby shook me up terribly. I had fear of those things both times but found my courage and faced them, and each fear was just totally not present at all in the next birth. This was my last monster. And it wasn't just birth it was affecting. I still want to be a midwife, I feel pretty certain I want to go the nurse midwife route whenI can take time to pursue my education. But that means hospitals, at least for a time. How can I learn and work in a place that instills fear in me without passing that on to those I should be caring for? I decided I needed to slay my last monster in a place that’s safe, because I don't need to walk back into the lion's den to slay my fear, I needed to experience the reality that not all dens contain lions.